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Loss.
A part of everyday life.No matter who you are, where you come from, your level of status, wealth, or desirous need loss is there looming; a risk we take in love, in life, in every emotion and effort of financial gain, hope and dream.
It makes some of us bitter, grievous, angry, resentful, closed. Some even take our own lives to escape the pain and feeling of the helplessness it leaves lingering in their backbone.
As I sit this morning with my day's single dose of coffee and calming music playing, I try to meditate.
I recognize that I am stressed, overwhelmed and a little resentful about the circumstances I have had to face causing the loss that has visited my doorstep of dreams.
I close my eyes and breathe in the music and dream about the possibilities that are before me though they are dreams that I have once again had to put on hold for things I could not control...another person's intention.
I breathe in, asking for the message that such a delay could possibly be portrait-ing.
I breathe out the resentment and frustrated anger that arises from that all too familiar sacrifice so many of us suffer: investing in another person's vision only to become invisible once your efforts have been proven fruitful.
There must be something good about losing everything I had worked and suffered for that could have afforded me to instantly jump on this train of wildest dreams; a train that now awaits, tempting me to just say, "Fuck it!" and climb aboard with nothing but my guitar and a pad of paper...
Why now?
Why again?
Why not a year ago when I had the freedom to buy any ticket to anything I wanted to do and go?
I breathe in a void space of answers.
I breathe out the sunken, dankness of defeat I have been carrying.
My body begins to tighten and tears well.
I don't like this feeling.
I ask for peace of mind to begin my day with a smile,
this other option is by far more exhausting.
I ask the soft melodies to soothe me back into my meditation.
I breathe in openness to receive the lessons that this particular experience is trying to teach me.
I breathe out the more comfortable threads of resentment.
Would I have been ready? the question pops into my head like a switch of a light bulb.
I breathe in.
I let a thousand thoughts and memories scramble in my brain.
All the little things that happened during this past year between gain and loss.
I would not have had them!
I breathe out.
My now would not taste this delicious had I not experienced this loss, at this moment in time.
I breathe in.
What awakened in me to have afforded such a great loss that may have risked my dreams?
I breathe out.
I sit with that question awhile.
The answer appears to me like a lifted veil.
Value.
I breathe in.
The supreme value of a dream well risked.
I breathe...
Would I have recognized the volume of the value that the opportunities that lay before me carry, had I not experienced the loss of the gain that may NOT have otherwise offered me a second thought about them?
I breathe in.
I breathe out.
Wrapping my head around that riddle that, right now, has YOU, precious reader, as puzzled as me when I first thought it.
I focus on my breathing as each cluster of thought waves in and out of my body in the rhythm of a poet.
I ask again for that question to be repeated...slowly...
I breathe in to clear my receptors, then
Out...
Would I have recognized
the volume of the value
In...
that the opportunities that lay before me carry,
Out...
had I not experienced
the loss of the gain
In...
that may NOT have otherwise offered me
Out...
a second thought about them?
I breathe and let those phrases sink in deep and deeper still with every in- and ex-hello-ation.
Had those opportunities came along when I had all the money I could have asked for sitting in my account, would I have known the true value of them?
Would I have treasured them as I do now?
Would I be this aware of the difference between rolling the dice for the dreams of another compared to rolling the dice for the dreams of myself?
Would I have seen the value of what I did for that said other person to gift them their success?
Would I have known that I possessed those talents, now made visible by that experience, to sow the seeds for my own success?
I breathe in a long, slow breathe;
one that fills me through nose to toes.
I feel the tension between my eyes real-ease.
I feel my body let go of its stress-feared grasp on my belly.
I breathe into my tummy.
I breathe out the ruse of loss.
I breathe in the actual act of love it has offered me.
I breathe out a wave of apologies to myself.
I breathe in the morning
of another day
toward an amazing opportunity
with awareness,
wisdom,
and open eyes.
I am grateful for the wealth of the defeat I have received
to know the value of,
save up for,
prepare for,
and invest in
my wildest-dream-train-ticket
as the whistle blows
"All aboard!"
XOXO Colleen